Surreal.

I have been writing Jon, probably sent him 4 or 5 letters since this whole ordeal happened, just begging him to please stay strong, be honest, have faith, and do the right thing.
I got a letter from him in the mail today.
It completely breaks my heart. I know he is a good person. I don't believe he did this.
I just want to know the truth. Sometimes not knowing is the hardest thing...if I knew what to believe I could rest easy. Its all too weird and sickening.

Lonely.

I've decided that my screened porch on a warm spring night may be my favorite place to be these days...watching the sun set behind the breezy trees is breathtaking. The natural beauty of this place is unbelievable.
I've been getting kinda lonely these days, as I realize how much I would love to have someone special to spend these gorgeous sunsets with. I finally feel as if I am at a place in my life where I am totally happy with the person that I have become and would love to have someone to love on. I pride myself on being a good friend and girlfriend when in a relationship...my favorite things to do are make little creative "just thinking of you" gifts, cooking fabulous meals together, going on hikes and taking silly pictures, and even just hanging out with our families...I'm ready for it. I guess Mr. Right is still working on himself and getting to a point where I fit into his life, I am just getting a little impatient. I've been the convenient girlfriend too many times, I want my prince charming who is willing to put as much into a relationship as I am. Those of you that know me well know that patience is not a big strength of mine..but I'm workin on it! And I also know that good things are well worth the wait, so thats what I will continue to do, patiently enjoying these sunsets alone...

Better in Time

This week has been so much fun! God has such a cool way with timing...
I am so thankful for my crazy unpredictable life. One year ago today our house sold. The growing, learning, and changing that has occurred over this past year is completely unbelievable.
I have met some of the most amazing people, had the tough but needed experience of figuring out who my true friends are, and have learned what it really means to have faith. The tears and stress of this past year are more than outweighed by that life lesson in itself.
I have written about the struggles I have been faced with lately, but I am going to take this chance to write about some praises and things I am thankful for that have happened within this past year...

...Meeting Tyler. He is one of the most talented, genuine and amazing people I have ever met. Huge blessing having him in my life.
...Getting closer to my family...driving across the country, being in a new place with no one to turn to but eachother...a lot to handle at times but has created a bond so amazing.
...Experiencing seasons! Sun! Hurricane type storms! SNOW! New growth of spring...Such a cool and refreshing change.
...Making new friends out here in NC (finally!) Glad I took the time to be picky, totally worth it!
...Being able to TRAVEL! Driving cross country, Visiting Ty in Illinois, Hawaii with the Amneus family, back to CA for Halloween, Back to CA over Vday, EUROPE this fall!!!!!!!

Could keep goin, Those are just my highlights..
I am sitting on my porch again, but its 10:30pm and I am exhausted from a long day on my feet at work...its beyond perfect outside right now. Sitting out here in my jammies with my country music (yes I am conforming to the songs of the south...)Its warm and slightly breezy, bugs are making noise in the trees...its so peaceful.

I am so thankful.

What a gorgeous day!

I woke up too early this morning to my dog wagging her tail at me and attempting to jump up (unsuccessfully...she has short stubby legs) on my bed, and my little sister smiling and watching me wake up to this. Realizing it was early and I had plenty of time before having to get to work, I decided to make myself a cup of coffee and take my pup and my laptop out on the screened porch...
So here I sit, on an absolutely GORGEOUS Carolina morning, and this is honestly the first time I have taken the time to just sit, relax, and enjoy the nature of this place God has put me in. It is quiet and yet bustling with life out here this morning...the birds singing in the trees, the squirrels frolicking and enjoying the sunshine...even the catarpillars are out here enjoying the day!
I think I have been so stuck in that "hurry up and go" mentality of Orange County, that I haven't allowed myself to "stop and smell the roses" so to speak..to really enjoy the opportunities I have been given and the blessings that have been handed to me in this scary and unsure new life I have going on. I have been so closed off to making new friends and venturing out that I hadn't really realized the things I have in front of me. Life is TOUGH and trying, yes. But, with the bad and devestating, I am realizing that God has placed new beginnings and opportunities right in front of me. (this is going to sound cheesey but its true...) The spring time represents new beginnings, from baby birds, to lil caterpillars looking for a place to grow and change, to baby flower buds peeking up through the soil...maybe now is my new beginning. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, right? Starting fresh in every way possible...financially, with friends, bonding more with my family....leaving the negativity and shallowness behind, looking forward to literally traveling the world, developing new friendships and deepening and maintaining the long distance ones that I already have...What a gift I have been given!!!!

...Quick update on my friend Jon...he plead not guilty to first degree murder, and is posting 1 million dollars for bail, hopefully giving him a couple weeks out of that horrible prison until his next court apprearance. He spoke to our mutual friend Mark for about an hour the yesterday, asking for prayers through this. I honestly do not know what happened, but I will find out soon enough. And regardless, he is my friend and needs God more now than ever. No one is ever in this position of being good friends with an accused murderer, and it is beyond scary. But I truly do not believe he is a monster or even a bad person, call me crazy if you want to, but I stand by my words and definitely appreciate any prayers that you may offer about Jon, and Kates family grieving her death.

On a happier note, check out these lyrics...

Is it fair to say I was lured away?
By endless distractions and lovelier attractions then
Or fairer still, my own free will
Is the better one to blame for this familiar mess
I've made again

So I would understand if You were out of patience
And I would understand if I was out of chances

Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

The distance left between East and West
Is how far You would go to forget the debt I'd owe
And thrown into the sea, the wicked ways in me
Will never have a chance to wash back on the sand

So I would understand if You would make me pay
I would understand lying in the bed I made again

Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

Up comes the sun on every one of us
Gone, gone, gone the guilt and shame that knew Your name

Your mercies are new every morning
So let me wake with the dawn
When the music is through or so it seems to be
Let me sing a new song, old things gone
Every day it's true, You make all Your mercies new

This is my favorite Nichole Nordeman song. And what a perfect one for this gorgeous and inspiring day.

And now I am off to do laundry, work out, and get ready for another long shift at the 'Bucks. Wooo! :)

I am awful at this blogging stuff...

But I feel like I need to make a point to keep it going, especially being so far removed from my ex-home...and theres a lot going on in my life that I would love to share and ask for prayers for. So let me sum this up best I can...

My attitude has improved drastically over the past couple months (a little help from my friends prozac and xanax, but improvement nonetheless..). I am finally at a place where I am content...content being removed from the norm, content with my surroundings, and content with the idea of starting a new life. It has been a scary and uncertain rollercoaster the past few months, not gunna lie. In addition to MOVING across the COUNTRY, finding out who my true friends are, and realizing God is God and I am most definitely NOT, there has been some devestation that has caused me to really take a step back and say "woah"...
My Grammy was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple months ago. Luckily, they caught it early on and they were able to just do a lumpectomy and radiation for 6+ weeks and now she is looking and feeling good, and on her way to moving out here! Praise the Lord! Scary/stressful couple months for her and our family, but just another learning and growing experience.
On April 5th at about 2 am I got a frantic phone call from a friend, telling me to read an article he had sent me. It was then that I was informed that my good friend Jon(often referred to as my lil bro), had alledgedly murdered his girlfriend Kate and is in jail with bail set at 1 million dollars. After doing some research on the timeline of events, I realized we had spoken after Kate's death occured. Jon is the LAST person I wouldve expected this from, and I really struggled to grasp the situation. I was interrogated by a detective, asked to send all my computer conversations to the police...it really threw me for a loop. Jons arraignment was today...still waiting to hear what his plea was. My prayer is that he does the right thing. I truly do not believe he is a bad person. That may be so wrong of me to think that way, and I am grieving the loss of Kate, but no one is ever on this side of things...friends with the murderer. Surreal and sickening are the only words I have for that.
It was as if all the emotion I had been feeling welled up inside came to a head a week ago last thursday...my mom had just gotten out of bed about tens mins earlier, we were all standing in the kitchen talking (rare for the whole fam to be in the same room at the same time..)
And lightening hit my favorite tree in our backyard.
The noise, the emotion, the reaction of my family members...panic attack! The tree literally EXPLODED pelting the side of our house with small to feet long daggars of wood...shattering the window right above my moms side of the bed...embedding glass in her sheets where she had been just minutes before...blowing out our TV, directv, electricity hitting many appliances, ruined our fence, tore our screened porch...craaazyyy. Brought our family and neighborhood together in a weird inexplainable way though. The timing of it worked out in so many weird ways...God really is the Protector. There have been so many things that I don't think I, WE, shouldve made it through as well as we have. And yet, here we are. If nothing else, this move has knit us so tightly as a family, I truly believe we can handle anything together a million times better now than 9 months ago.
The job market has been at a standstill with the economy and all, for both me and my father (prayers that he can get a great job asap!)...for me, this was a total blessing in disguise, as I am going to EUROPE the entire month of september! Starbucks really is the only job I could have that would let me get away with taking off a month at a time. So, to Europe I go! Most people go to Vegas and get trashed for their 21st bday...instead, I will be with my best friend on a two week cruise to 9 countries, then wine tasting in Italy, enjoying the real Oktoberfest in Munich, taking a sound of music bus tour through Salzburg and Vienna...CANNOT WAIT! I dont know how it all worked out so perfectly but we got some AMAZING deals on some fabulous places..I think we will see a total of 11 or 12 countries over a span of 4 weeks. TRAVEL NOW PEOPLE! Its so do able!
Prayers that it goes smoothly would be soo appreciated...
Also, my friend Mike Cicerone is in the Marines and getting shipped out anytime between now and early May to Afghanistan. Please keep him in your prayers...I hear this is a pretty bad time to be over there...
So that pretty much the summary of the low lows and high highs...I have so much to look forward to, and have NO clue of where I will be at beyond my trip in Sept. Could be here for another year, could move back to CA...really, no idea. I figure this is the time to make memories and take risks, I couldnt ask for a better support group to have behind me through this all. Looks like I am the next in line in my family to get married...gotta get out and see the world before I am ready to do that so now is the time!
I really enjoy reading my family and friends blogs and seeing whats up with you all and how I can pray for you...I will try to be more regular with keeping this up..try being the key word :)

Love and Miss you all!!